mmorchive

November 29, 2007 f13.net

we are lesion:

I’m fighting The Combine again, but it’s not because I’m attending a sneak preview of HL2: Episode 3. No, I’m playing EverQuest on a “Progression” server, which is code for firmly planting the serpent’s ass in its mouth and hitting it with spurs. I am pissed off. The capitalization of the game title pisses me off. Everything about my life right now pisses me off. I now have Sony-induced seasonal affective disorder. St. John’s Wort is the only thing between me, my car and a concrete wall.

I obtained this fun by way of random draw, courtesy of one Mr. Schild, for 30 days of romping around Norrath with all 14 expansions enabled, no charge. Now, I never had the pleasure of EverQuesting when it came out. You know what else came out in 1999? A needle-laden scrotum full of good games, like System Shock 2 and Planescape: Torment. These games deserved 14 expansions made way after the fact, but that’s a dickwad argument for another dickwad.

After the intensely engaging process of getting through Sony’s Station load-ins I was treated to generic fantasy music and a robot dragon breathing fire at the game logo. I was thinking things might not be so bad taking into consideration the inherent qualities of robot-anything hybrids, especially ones breathing fire. Then the main menu came up and 1999 hit me like an angular, aliased truck. In a playable character twist, all the fantasy races are represented: dark elves, surly short people, ugly large people, lizards, cats and goofy fucking frog-people. No, I know. Don’t even say it.

Forsooth, ye shall tayste mye blade and several unnecessary ‘y’s. You miysse!

My bad-ass lizard exterminated tons of bats and rats and stuff, it was great. I even killed a spider breeder troll guy who set me on fire repeatedly, totally exciting. I can’t make this more sarcastic. I have pictures. The same music plays every time combat starts. I think so anyway. It’s like the brass section of an orchestra is ambush-masturbating sound into my brain.

I know this was one of the first (Ulti-mwuh?) extensively successful MMO games but does everything have to be completely trite shit? No, you don’t get a fucking hall pass for that. The Toxxulia Forest has motherfucking venomous spiders. Is it blah-fantasy because people will pay for it or will people pay for it because it’s blah-fantasy? Palm trees and a goddamn oasis in desert-themed zones? What devilry is this?! I talked to some guards and they fucking killed me, just because I was a lizard. I think. They probably knew I was just going to write pointless, mean things about their old-ass game.

The next time I logged in I went about claiming my included Rewards, which have a capital ‘R’ for rawsomeness. For about two minutes my stance on EQ changed as I rode around on my worg mount with sparkling electric shit flying out of my torso, laughing a lizardly laugh at the lusers in awe of my stave-twirling disco-nimbus-summoning avatar, and then I fell off a goddamn boat. When I made it back up to the boat after swimming around a magical barrier of anti-lizards, I found myself near a mountain that looked like beige macaroni and cheese with pubic hair.

At this point I’ve already canceled my subscription out of fear that somehow Sony will charge me before the 30 days are up, because that would literally make me cry (unlike the Hellgate lifetime sub, which made me shave myself and rub iodine on my privates). I want to start a smack-fest where everyone just smacks the crap out of each other for dumb gaming investments. It will be glorious. These are dark celestial asshole of Christmas past level problems we’re talking about here.

EverQuest was only ever viable because it had such a fresh market. It is a stinky pile of ass with horrible sound, horrible graphics and rotten testicles for controls. The interface makes babies squeal. Birds drop dead when they fly over it. The community, when not being gold-spammed, is full of sick people that need professional aid. Content consists of far too many hours rewriting fantasy copy, making up frilly names and modeling blocky insert-climate-here giants that look like dried-up poop. No offense. STOP PLAYING THIS GAME, YOU. STOP HAVING FUN THE WRONG WAY.