mmorchive

May 16th, 2008 elitistjerks.com

DeeNogger:

1) Be an Asshole:


The most important, and the by far the easiest, activity to check off your list before logging out that last time is to be a complete and uncensored asshole. It doesnt take much looking to notice that interaction between members of the WoW community has more in common with the style and educate of retarded chimpanzees than actual human beings. Its a bar fight out there, ladies and gentlemen, and if you dont take the opportunity to step on the neck of one of your pears, you’re really not putting much effort into making the most of this game.

There are several avenues one can take to complete this task. The easiest, and most obvious, is to flame the ever loving shit out of a fellow poster on ones server forums. Make sure to pounce upon an innocent post and take issue with whatever mundane point or request the poster has made. Only engage in frothy verbal combat when the upper hand is surely yours. Get personal, get mean, and go for the throat. Unleash whatever pent up rage you might have from being shot down by that girl in high school that had the great body and if she would have just given you a chance you’d have shown her how great you are and BRAD THE QUARTERBACK IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND HES OVER AT MCDONALDS NOW AND GUESS WHOS GOING TO BE A CHEMIST BABY?! ….or something.

2) Be Yelled at by a Raid Leader:


A big part of WoW is raiding, but an even bigger part is being the subordinate to a stranger over the internet. Hes someone you’ll likely never meet, you dont know what he looks like, you dont know where he lives, or what he does in the day time. But every night from 7:00pm to 11:00pm you are his bitch. It takes awhile to get used to such an … interesting relationship. How many times have you picked up the phone at your house and someone you’ve never seen before barks a command: “Stand over there!” and then dresses you down when you do not comply correctly or quickly enough? Never. It doesnt happen. Ask all your friends, its never happened to them or anyone they know. But guess what? Thats raiding.

As obvious as this relationship is to a veteran raider, each one of us takes a bit to learn the boundaries. The most important, and often times the first, lesson in wow raiding is how to shut the fuck up and do what you’re told. This is often delivered on a vehicle of verbal pain screamed through a 12 dollar newegg mic and into your now ringing ears. Each person has their own experience but exasperated sighs punctuating yelps of “LOOT THE FUCKING DOGS” is the way I learned my place in a true World of Warcraft raid. If you haven’t ever been yelled at in a raid, then guess what? You’re not a fucking raider.

3) Be Part of a ‘First’ Boss Kill:


Not everyone will have a chance to experience a World First or even a Server First but everyone can be a part of that first boss kill for his or her guild. A moment of utter exhilaration and joy shared with strangers. An amazing first boss kill is the glue that changes random names into teammates, brothers, companions in you’re future success. Independent of outside forces, this is the true basis of the raiding game: its you vs the monster. The excitement one feels is typically a function of the challenge of the fight. The longer the guild has struggled with the encounter, the more momentous the feeling is when the difficulties are ultimately over come. Bosses that are easily killed usually rate somewhere between acing a test and making a great catch in last nights HS football game. Bosses that were particularly hard, or signified some new ‘level’ of success for ones guild (C’thun, KT, Kael’thas, Illidan, etc) achieve significantly higher excitement. These kills will all but cripple you with anticipation as the health bar slowly ticks down from 3%…. 2%…. 1%… Your hands will begin to shake, your mind feels like its been injected with raw adrenalin and your movements become jerky and strained all the while time begins to s-l-o-w down to a near crawl. Excitement is on the level of first having sex, kissing someone for the very first time, or the greatest sports upset of all time. If you’ve never been out of breath with clammy palms at the end of a boss kill, you haven’t experienced the best that WoW has to offer.

4) Solo Something that Shouldnt be Solo’d:

This is fairly easy task in principle but can be rather difficult to perform. Step one, pop open your quest log, find a quest that says (raid) and try and complete that quest on your own. Too hard? Find and instance thats not to far below your level (10-15 levels at most) and try and kill a boss, including clearing all the trash on your own. How difficult of a task this will be largely depends on what class you haphazardly picked those many years ago at the character selection screen. If you picked a prot warrior than congratulations! You can pretty much solo anything with a smile on your face. The ZG Panther Boss is a great way to prove you are everything man and you’ll get some sweet Panther Sack out of it too.

If, as is likely, you are not a Prot Warrior or a Feral druid, than things are going to be a wee bit harder. Tough shit. A great way to really explore your class, and everything available to you as a player in WoW is to set some lofty goal and constantly throw yourself at it like C’thun 1.0! Get more gear, try more consumables, try this hardly known item, that rare craftable from MC… keep trying, keep trying, keep trying! Here is a handy list of accomplishments and how difficult they may be (class dependent):

Solo Inner Maraudon:
Difficulty: Not Very
Details: A very visually stimulating instance that got little to no attention in wow classic and is virtually abandoned in TBC. That being said, you’re a fucking idiot if you cant solo Princess at level 70.

Solo Scholo/Strat:
Difficulty: Easy to Hard
Details: Lots of Trash, some interesting boss Mechanics and forced AoE pulls that exclude certain classes (fucking trap gates). Extra points for doing the 45 minute Barron Run Solo. Get the mount and you just won the lottery Mo Fo!

Kill Green Dragon Dragonkin Trash:
Difficulty: Contra
Details: At first glance it is two lvl 62 Dragonkin that seem like push overs for shiny T6 loot. In fact it is two walking death machines with a 3rd hidden Dragonkin that heals. If you can solo these, chances are you’re a cheater.

Kill Something in the Tainted Scar:
Difficulty: Bend Over
Details: Quite possibly the most dangerous mobs in all of Azeroth, if not all of WoW, these mobs are 2 legged Dooms Day Devices. Sporting over 50k HP, melee attacks that make lvl 70 armor look like tissue paper, and a run speed that would make that weird guy in Zelda you have to race look slow, these guys will fuck you till you love them.

5) Be Camped by a Higher Level/Better Geared Player:

Imagine going about your business one day at work when out of the bushes (ficus?) jumps a 300 pound Heavy Weight World Champion boxer that proceeds to beat the christ out of you until you black out in a bloody heap. Now, imagine further that instead of backing off and leaving your obviously incapacitated body alone he instead proceeds to dance about you like he just did something impressive. He dances about, he yells things like “YO U L O S E” spits, and flops about your body helplessly. To further defy logic, the enormous boxers waits for you to regain concerns and then beats the shit out of you again, this time when you are barely aware of your surroundings. He then once again cheers for his accomplishment and begins jumping around again.

Such actions would surely land the assaulter in prison, not to mention branding him as one of the biggest assholes of all time. Yet this behavior, completely illogical and bull headily dickish, is not only common but expected behavior of high level world of warcraft players. Players will hide in the bushes waiting for a player half their level or lower to amble buy, assault and kill them, then proceed to celebrate their amazing abilities while participating in the timeless are of necrophilia.

Its an important character building experience to be on the receiving end of such jackass behavior. For one, it teaches you the important techniques in the art of ganking for you to pay forward to the next generation of levelers when you yourself are the ganking fuck face (for instance, always kill the hunters pet, then the hunter). You may act like an offended princess when you first get ganked, but in no time you will be the one spamming your sit button above their body yelling “SUCK ON MY NUTS” as the people in the Star Bucks you are stealing WiFi from shield their children’s ears and shoot you dirty looks.

PART TWO
Part Two will be coming out in a few weeks. It will be twice as good, twice as long, and have twice as many buggy encounters that catour to casuals! Topics will be:

1) Camping and Ganking people with worse gear than you!
2) Doing the Aq40 Scepter Quest
3) Being the flavor of the week class! (Rogues excluded as they are pretty much always ‘that class’)
4) Forcing a Paladin to Bubble Hearth
5) Being fucked over by a GM
6) Stealing a Legendary
7) Pulling Aggro - How to let the raid know you’re #1!!